You Must Have Known

The storm was coming
   when the clouds appeared.

Some people would laugh to hear this, considering my (sometimes hapless) fancy for all things fantasy, but I consider myself in an everyday sense as ‘realistic’. Optimistic for certain, but still, realistic.

I’d say I’m pretty good at distinguishing fiction from what’s real. I know that life’s not a Disney movie. No man is going to slay a dragon or sea monster for me. “Happily ever after” is a fallacy because life will always have its challenges. Relationships take work and patience, always.

But then, I have grown up with some pretty extraordinary male role models, my own dad taking a strong lead. He’s dependable, helpful and logical in the utmost. And even now, 27 years married, he still makes a good effort to impress my mom. Like, her birthday presents are always quite inspired.

I’ve been having a hard time recently deciding what is realistic as far as expectations in a relationship. I feel like my affection is worthy of a little hard work. God’s Debris says women judge their relationships based on how much ‘he’ is willing to sacrifice to be a part of it. I think I kind of agree. I want to think, to know, he’d do anything for me. I know this kind of love exists because I’ve felt it myself.

The fact is that, in my life, I have had many crushes but only two boyfriends. It is impossible for me not to compare them, even if this isn’t always done on a purely conscious level. Sometimes, it is conscious. I find I’m repeating to myself often that no one’s perfect, that Andre was a very hard act to follow, and that I can’t expect to be the centre of anyone else’s life. But the tone I take sounds, to me, dangerously close to rationalizing. And then I wonder if I should be telling myself these things. True and level-headed as they are, real love is not level-headed.

When I was younger, I promised myself that I would be straightforward and honest with my boyfriend(s), not playing the petty and maddening feminine mind games that my gender is infamous for. But for the first time now, I’m starting to see the value in playing hard to get. And I think I missed my chance to do it. Women love to be persued (by the right person) and “the chase” gives the guy the opportunity to pull out some stops and impress her. To say I “stopped running” too soon would be inaccurate because… I never was running.

I don’t know if I am alone in this, but emotionally I make a clear distinction between “loving somebody” and “being in love with somebody”. I love people quickly, but falling in love takes me months or years. This is okay, because it allows for lots of time to win me over. The way I see it, marriage can be hard. When I become furious with my (future) husband, I want there to be lots of bright, shining memories to look back on, to say of, “Yes, that is why I fell in love with him to begin with,” to bring me back down into the green.

Anyways, I guess that’s enough about relationships for today.

As an aside, it has come to my attention today that I now strongly associate the smell of hand sanitizer with the Volendam Lido deck! Considering the power of olfactory memory, I should make it a rule that I buy a new brand of shampoo each time I go on vacation. As it is, Pantene Restoratives reminds me of Alaska and Neutrogena bar soap reminds me of Europe.