When It’s Tough
when it’s hard,
you know me, you know my heart.
Today was Mother’s Day, so we went for lunch as a family and then spent some time at home before I had to go to Gamma Girls. Josh, spending time with his own mom, told me to tell mine that she did a very good job raising me! I relayed that message and she just sort of laughed. “Thanks, I guess, not that I had much to do with that!” I was boggled by this response. After all, I had a very present dad, yes, but I doubt anyone was so strong a guiding force as mom was, especially in my early years. I asked what she meant by her reply and she said, “Well, you and Mike were such good kids. You basically raised yourselves.”
I was baffled at first. How could she think that? But upon further reflection, I suppose I can see how children of very good parents may give the impression of being “self-raised”. Because, what constitutes a “bad kid”? Rule breaking, disrespect, bad manners, (perhaps) attention-seeking behaviour.
Well, I know it’s easier said than done, but parents can control these things to some extent in their children by being clear and consistent. Mike and I knew our boundaries, and we knew what would happen if we crossed them. How? Because first we were told of the boundaries. Then we were told what would happen if we crossed them. Then, if we did cross them, the consequence happened just as promised, every time.
I doubt there’s any one perfect parenting model, but it seems to me that a pure and simple (general) parenting method is to give a child all the information he needs to make a good decision. It probably sounds funny: parenting advice coming from me, someone who has no kids. (Some days I feel like I am still a kid myself.) But my experience here isn’t in using this method; it’s in receiving this method as a kid. My childhood was peaceful and happy and predictable (which may sound boring, but predictability and structure in a child’s life is a good thing), largely due to how my parents treated me. If a child receives attention regardless of whether he obeys or disobeys rules, there is less incentive to disobey— especially considering the attached consequence.
In that regard, a smart kid will stay inside the lines and won’t have to be punished very often. So it might seem like he’s “raising himself”, but really he’s living within his clearly defined world and making good decisions based on the information that’s been communicated to him (and backed up with action, consistently).
