La Belle Vie Pour Moi
en tout cas c’est clair— c’est toi
I feel encouraged and happy. The past few weeks have been ones of satisfying learning and that fires me up quick as anything.
I feel fortunate to the point of joy overflowing, particularly due to several experiences and conversations I’ve had lately. They all seem to fall into line with one another and that affirms me.
The first thing is that I’ve now got a clearer image in my head of the type of lady I want to be for Tom. A chat with Cheryl last weekend helped me gain that. We talked about how we don’t want to be that girl who says she’s fine when she’s actually very troubled about something. She said it’s alright to say, “I’m not fine, but I still need time to think— let’s talk about it later.” I really like that because it’s honest. I want to be honest with Tom about everything. It sounds so simple and obvious. Yet, I think something happens naturally (particularly with women) in which we are compelled to say, “everything’s fine” until we’re able to correctly articulate what’s really not fine. (These feelings are often complex and do need to be thought about.) Instead of misleading and confusing Tom by saying, “nothing’s wrong, I’m okay,” and then sulking all night, I should be honest in real time. That’s what I want to be.
Tom himself also gave me an incredible insight today. After church, I hoped he’d come with me for lunch with Christine and then give me a ride to an appointment I had downtown. I told him of my plans, but I hate feeling like I’m pressuring him into things. So I said he didn’t have to if he didn’t want to. When he started to refuse, I felt hurt and a bit mad, too. It seemed to me that, considering all I do for him and how little I ask back, it was unfair for him to turn me down. I started to guilt him with this perceived injustice. He said that if I want something, I should ask for it— not feebly suggest it and then start guilting when things don’t go how I wanted. Well, as soon as he said that, I knew he was right. I hate it when people do that to me. I hate it when they fish for something and vaguely appeal to my charity instead of just asking for what they want from me. It was like a light bulb went on. I don’t want to be “that” person. I suppose that comes down to me being honest, too. If I ever say, “but you don’t have to if you don’t want to,” I need to seriously be equally as alright with him saying, “okay, I think I won’t” than I would be with him saying, “yes, I’ll do it.”
Another thing that gives me much happiness in my relationship with Tom is that, like me, he wants to work towards an attitude, life, and demeanour that Christ would rejoice in. I have been affirmed in my belief that the two of us can correct each other in a spirit of love and wanting something better for the other, not of condemnation or superiority. That is so incredibly precious that I can’t put words to it. I think that’s probably the paramount of what I’ve hoped, my whole life, to find in a man one day. Finally, someone understands that my criticism is never intended to hurt, but to heal. And finally, someone is not afraid to hold a mirror up and do the same for me. It just makes me excited to know that, within this dynamic, we will both be better in the future than we are now. We can help each other shed the things about ourselves that hold us back from being the vision God has for us.
The second lesson of the recent weeks has been of love for God’s beloveds. In other words, for everyone. I’ve realized that to look at someone and immediately see their faults sets up a barricade to treating them in the way that Jesus wants me to. It’s hard for me to see people who have made what I consider to be stupid choices in life and not feel a bit better than them. Oh, but I need to shed that for sure. I need to remember (and remember often) that my good choices are due to the good influences I’ve always had, and yet, did nothing to earn. I’m determined to be free of the delusion of superiority.
I love new beginnings. That’s why September is my favourite month— for years in school, it was a new start. This year it is, too. And I am excited.