Give Anything

Arrg. Why do I just suck? I can try but suck anyways… it must be a special talent or something. Okay, so there’s this guy Ryan in my parents’ bible study group. It was his birthday so we went out to Brewsters after church with a bunch of people to celebrate. Since there were only three people under eighteen, we three sat at one table: myself, my brother and Ryan’s eleven year old daughter, whom I’ve seen around but never formally met. And this was completely fine by me, but for some reason, where others have been gifted in conversation skills, I was overlooked. The exception here is that I can talk to my brother for extensive lengths of time about everything and nothing. So… essentially… I just talked to Mike, she listened, and any attempt I made at including her rather fell crashing down to the floor. We tried to be funny, she was laughing and stuff but why is it so hard for me to talk to new people?

I thought it was maybe because of the age difference. Eleven years old makes her… finishing off sixth grade. I can hardly remember what I was interested in when I was that age, and anything I can think of was rather specific to me anyway. For example, not every sixth grade girl has a residual obsession with Sailor Moon, even though I did. But then, really, age differences normally don’t even matter when it comes to me relating to people. I keep thinking: a six year age difference is more or less the same thing separating me from people like Angie and Robyn. I have no problem talking to them; in fact, they’re easier to talk to at times than people exactly my age because they can understand what I’m going through.

Separation by age is something that breeds admiration, too. I look up to people older than me, but I can’t possibly imagine someone younger looking up to me. I wonder if the people I admire have that inadequate feeling or if it’s just me. I’ve always valued my friendships with people older than me, and would be more than willing to befriend and mentor a younger girl, but I really don’t know how I would get started there. I’m too shy and it’s pathetic. I’d give anything for a relationship like that.