Alphabetical list of all boy names in Alberta, Canada (2014)

Boy oh Boy! I feel like my birthday has come early because Alberta’s 2014 Baby Names have been released! This note deals with boys only– stay tuned for the girl name roundup.

Surprising and wonderful news from the “Sounds-Like-Aiden” front: A decrease in popularity between 2013 and 2014! 41 fewer boys were named “Sounds-Like-Aiden” names– but still a bewildering 810. “Sounds-Like-Aiden” names never fail to horrify though, and we’ve got some ghastly newcomers spelling-wise: Jrayden, Vaeden, Zaydenn and Jaedynn. Yes, on a boy. Jaedynn.

Now for an update on the “Misspelling-of-Jackson” epidemic. Well, the virus has been only slightly dampened with 258 misspellings of Jackson (down from 261 in 2013). But to stay alive, it’s starting to mutate. We now have Jacksyn, Jaxcin, Jaxen, Jaxin, Jaxon, Jaxsen, Jaxson, Jaxsyn, Jaxxon, and Jaxyn. Hopefully they won’t all attend the same school.

Inexplicably putting a Y where an E, I or O should be is alive and well, I’m sorry to say, but now we’re also dealing with a flurry X names that are just, like, too rad to handle: Axetyn, Braxden, Brexten, Brixden, Bronxdyn, Caxton and Kixson.

So now we know that the best way to make any name just fricken sweet is to have an X in there somewhere. And once you have one, you might as well have two. Even though X is one of those letters that you pretty much get the point with just one. Braxxton, Dexxen, Fenixx, Onyxx, Xxyler and Zaxxon.

Let’s play a game! It’s called “IKEA Product or Horrible Baby Boy Name”! Can you guess which is which? Answers at the bottom!

1. LYRIK
2. KALYX
3. NORDEN
4. FLYT
5. RIKER
6. BOLMEN
7. BALYNT
8. KRIXUS
9. DRAGAN
10. REVDYN

How did you do?

Kaldor, Odynn, Raven, Nyxan, Thanos and Shadyx should totally start a Dungeons & Dragons campaign. They can just use their real names.

Raizen looks like such a badass biker name until you realize you basically just named your kid raisin. A dried fruit that lots of people hate.

Some parents were forced to name their child using a sticky keyboard last year: Bayye, Ayyaan, Keynaan, Caiison, Daviide and Zayyan.

I can’t believe this didn’t make headlines but we appear to have multiple instances of women giving birth to fully-grown 18th century English noblemen: Ellington, Hetfield, Wentworth, Rayfield, Clifton, Kingsmere and Courtland. (Great names within the right context, just “too much” on a modern Alberta baby. I definitely prefer them to Kixson and they’ll be fine when they actually are old men. In the meantime we’ll have plenty of hilarious juxtaposition moments with the stuffy names: “Wentworth, stop picking your nose.” “Kingsmere just pooped on the floor.” “Courtland, get your hands out of your pants!”)

Now for a few lists to help this nightmare end sooner!

Terrible Spellings of Good Names

• Adysan
• Exzavior
• Gzerome
• Izik
• Jerhomey
• Kaleabe
• Kazpur
• Leyum
• Lynkyn
• Maksym
• Nickeless

I just have this wonderful fantasy of encountering these kids one day and writing their name down and they say, “Hey! You spelled my name wrong!” And I say, “No I spelled it right; your mom spelled it wrong.” BURRRRN

Terrible Spellings of Bad Names

• Canyn
• Czedrence
• Daylynd
• Destanee
• Hendryksen
• Kaschton
• Kyuss
• Summytt
• Tiebarius
• Xeighdrey

Bewildering Things to Name a Human Male

• Beowulf
• Cadillac
• Evanescence
• Jaffredson
• Nazareus
• Nevaeh (on a boy!)
• NorthernSky
• Thunderboy
• Tyrannous (!)
• WindyBoy

Weird Word Names

• Branch
• Clash
• Cotton
• Count
• Clench (!)
• Dominion
• Freedom
• Mirage
• Shine
• Spirit
• Ransom

Just Plain Bad

• Chrew
• Clayver
• Daycen
• Kaceton
• Macxinier
• Skyden
• Thaxter
• Treydence
• Zackody

2014’s worst boy name is a toss up. Is Clarksicnarf some weird Scandinavian name? If so, the prize goes to Whizkie-Czar.

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Answers for the game:
IKEA product: 1, 3, 4, 6, 9
Baby name: 2, 5, 7, 8, 10

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Disclaimer: This is meant to be fun and not intended to hurt feelings. To each his own!