I’m Too Shy To Show You

My vulnerable side. I’m too near to make it clear—
Emotional suicide.

True love. The academic side of me wonders whether it even involves endorphins. Whether a couple needs months of that fluttery, unsure, giddy feeling to base a lifetime of happy marriage on.

Have Disney and Twilight and Hollywood and literature skewed our definition of what true love is? Because when I think of “true love”, I envision the fairytale couple… the Eric and Ariel, the Edward and Bella, the Wesley and Buttercup, the Richard and Kahlan. Willing to move heaven and earth, to battle the supernatural, or face death itself just to protect the other.

I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t want that kind of devotion. Not that I demand it, obviously, but it isn’t like I’d refuse it if offered.

But still, seldom do you hear about that kind of obsession in real life. And it’s surely unchristian to want to be the centre of anyone’s life. I have to keep telling myself that. And pulling myself back into reality. If you took a candid snapshot of all the relationships around you, you’d see enough to make you decide that real devotion is rare. For every one noble man there are twenty others cheating on their wives… or worse.

Every so often you do see it though… someone falls in love so profoundly that they get tunnel-visioned. “If I can’t have her, I don’t want anyone”. You see it in movies, I mean. Literature. Maybe it doesn’t actually happen. When I was a kid though, I always hoped that that’s how it’d happen for me. Some guy would see me from across the room and never be the same. It’s the sort of lofty dream you can have when you’re really young. And the type of dream that dies hard.

Life is all about perspective, though. It’s really only in that childish fantasy sense that I feel like I’ve settled in my relationship with Josh. I barely have to look around me to count myself extremely lucky to have the guy I do. Sometimes I overhear conversations on the train, and the way some guys talk about girls (when they’re not around, of course) is just flat out insulting. I’m glad to think that Josh doesn’t talk about me that way when I’m not there. But that’s the other thing… I’ll never know for sure.

There are certain memories I have of Josh, back from before we were dating. Memories that I feel show his true heart. Even though I want to tell him that these are some of the things I admire him for, I’m hesitant to ever bring them up with him, because I’m afraid that maybe he’ll tell me that it wasn’t actually him being noble or compassionate. That it was merely a result of luck or timing, or that he had another motive. Ignorance really is bliss.

Josh is nothing if not honest though. It’s one of the things that’s surprised me so far. He strikes me as having a  strong moral code. And that’s good for me to be close to, because I can be a sell-out and I know it.

Coming back to true love… I think I need to change my thinking. Maybe true love isn’t about that occasional flutter of the heart. Maybe it’s not about slaying demons or always being flawlessly attentive. Perhaps true love is being willing to drive me home from youth sometimes. Or holding my hand. Or being honest. It could be.

• ideals
• love