That I don’t slip into one more of your little tragedies.
‘Cause that would be no good for me right now.
I’m lost. Josh’s family is confusing sometimes. I’ve gotten what I think is a mere glimpse of what it means to be “put in the middle” and feel like that’s something I can do without in life. I’m really not interested in taking sides. Who would benefit from that?
This kind of thing, along with conversations I’ve had with some of my net friends especially, just slap me in the face with how sheltered I’ve been all my life from family drama and turmoil. Things haven’t been perfect all the time, but compared to the stories, they barely appear on the radar. I think of Esther’s situation, probably the most appalling instance, the “we, your parents, are going to shun you; yes, literally Old Testament shun you because you married a Protestant and not a Catholic.” I can hardly comprehend it.
I wonder sometimes at this apparent dice-toss that is life. Why have I been spared? It seems like I must come to the same conclusion over and over again and yet still largely ignore it: I’ve been given a lot, so I must give a lot. And I know I’m not giving back what I should be, but feel like I’m making a bare start with the girls now, a full year after joining youth ministry. Oh God, please let me be the listening ear they need so desperately. But it’s so hard to listen to the pain they deal with and not be able to fix it for them, especially when I’m in territory so uncharted to me. Saying that I know how they feel would be a complete lie. Listening literally is all I can do right now.
They don’t need or want advice from me, and good thing, too, because I doubt I’d be of any help. My “dealing with parents” model is based on my parents: mature adults who were always willing to discuss things and hear my side of the story. The kind of people who should be parents. From what I’ve heard, their parents are acting like children, and I have no idea how to deal with that.
In that vein, I’ve been thinking about motives lately. It seems like almost everything we do is towards a purpose. We go to work to get money. We seek romantic relationships for companionship and love. We volunteer to help others, or to get a good feeling of contributing. All these things have a pretty clear “why” attached to then. But I was thinking, if you asked some parents why they had kids, what would they say? Having children seems to me to be something of a mystery as far as conscious goals are concerned. Because really, the continuation of the human race really isn’t an issue. People can’t blame imminent extinction as their reason for procreating. So what is it?
I guess there’s always the, “I’ve just always wanted kids,” or the “I wanted to experience being a parent”, but even then, why? Is it a lack of goals that causes parents to fail at times in raising their children? Since they’re doing it day by day “just because”?
I do want kids. I’ve realized that I have a goal for that endeavour now… I want to raise children who will grow up to help the world, to be a positive influence. Imagine if every parent had that goal in the forefront of their mind at all times when interacting with their child. Would this world be different?