Bad Baby Names

2016 Boy Names

June 23, 2017

So last year my other friend Katie posted my name thrashings to r/BabyBumps and I was basically giddy with trepidation waiting for comments to come in. It’s one thing to write something for your friends, but what would people say who don’t know me? Overall it was received as intended, but one person said:

“Nothing like just being born and already being made fun of by strangers. I have nothing but compassion for these children, as if it is their fault they were given these names.”

I hope I don’t give the impression that I’m making fun of babies here. But the misunderstanding does underpin a point I’ve been trying to make all along: it’s the kid with the dumb name who suffers, not the parents who chose the dumb name. Pretty unfair, but it’s the truth.

In any case, let’s get this over with. I don’t know why, but the boy list is always just so much worse.

For those following the trend, we’re down from 218 to only 184 spelling variations of Jackson but last year saw the unfortunate but inevitable Jaxzyn.

Mackson/Maxon/Maxson/Maxxon seems to have more or less died on the vine, but it looks like we have a new forerunner for spelling butchery: Linken, Linkhin, Linkin, Linkoln, Linkon, Linkyn, Lynkin, and Lynkyn. And I had to do a double-take reading Linclon. Lin-clon? 192 people remembered how to spell Lincoln.

As for the Aidens, I’m kinda over it. It’s on a downswing anyways─ 18 fewer Sounds-Like-Aiden names than last year, down to 730. I almost fell for the trap but narrowly avoided counting Adian but that’s not an Aiden─ it’s AD-ian. Is that better or worse than Cadenjay, Ka’den and Cheydon?

Moving on, I know I’ve said it in the past but now I think we should stop calling them “creative” spellings. Painting a picture is creative. Remodeling a house is creative. Spelling something wrong is not creative, unless you mean they’ve created a huge hassle. Sometimes it changes the name enough that pronouncing it is now a murky business. For example:

  • Jonaithan (Jonathan or jon-AY-thin)
  • Krystyan (Christian or christy-ANN)
  • Killean (Killian or ki-LEEN)
  • Elyaas (Elias or el-YASSSS!)
  • Myk (Mick or Mike)
  • Ryhkan (RICK-in or RYE-kin or RIH-can)

It’s never a good sign when you Google a name and the first result is “Did you mean…?” Donnetello, Ulysess and Johhny.

We had a few minimalist parents who settled on:

  • Ky
  • Om
  • El
  • De
  • R.

Why not combine them? Kyomelder pretty much fits right in with Khordy, Wrennyn, Kyvory and Jayvyn!

I obscurely get the attraction to “virtue names” but somehow on boys they always feel like too much. Lots this time: we had Glorious, Knowledge, Sincere, Brave, Tuff and Champ; Noble and Majestic; Saint, Saviour and Divine; Righteous and Righteousness, Kourage and Braevery. Three boys were called Legend, two were named Awesome, but of course there can be only one Best.

Finnix (like the operating system?), Fynneon (like the Pokemon?), Exelero (like the car?), Halo, Morning, Holiday, Lightning, Cougar… okay guys come on, if naming your kid was as simple as just picking something you like then my son would be named Szechuan BBQ Chicken Pizza Rhodes.

Three couples owed a lot of people money because presumably these kids also have middle names: Elijah-Kennett-Jean, Lazarus-Lawrence-James and Bentley-Hank-Gilbert.

Deklynn, Lochlynn, Taelynn, Taislynn. To me, -lynn makes a name super feminine. To say nothing of Cayli, and Avon (evocative of make-up and skincare products). Strangely, on the boy list we’ve got a whole bunch of 90s babysitter names: Clare, Jessica, Jillian, Kristen, Nikki and Sara. (Now that I think about it, the collective noun for babysitters must be a “club”.)

Percious. When you can’t choose between Precious and Perseus.

Is Cpurgen supposed to be pronounced “Spurgeon?” ‘Cause, oh man.

Kal-El and Kal-el. We may not agree on the capitalization of the name but can we agree that giving your kid Superman’s name is kinda pretentious?

Mhykoh. The way I pronounced “Michael” when I was two.

Was 2016 the year of the Monkey or the year of the Hanna-Barbera Dog? We had Astro, Dino and Huckleberry!

Oh boy, we have a whole kingdom popping up here! King-David, Princejayden, Duke-Enzo, Erl, Knight, Major, Gentry, Captain and Sailor-Arthur!

Ugh, Samual, what a pain.
“It’s Samuel with an A.”
… Samuel is already with an A. *writes Samuela…?*

Two boys named Corny? Wishful thinking that they’ll appreciate your dad jokes right from the get-go?

Alucard. Dracula backwards, right? I bet that will never feel tacky or childish when he’s applying for jobs.

Okay I get that Shlok is an Indian name and is probably completely innocuous in India, but in English the word “schlock” means cheap garbage. Daaem and Dakshit may have some trouble, too.

Heathen and Rukus. Some days I’m so psyched to not be a Kindergarten teacher.

I was like, “Tom, what can I even say about Brosef?” “Probably that exact sentence.” Terrible. Let’s do the lists.

Good names spelled badly:

  • Allyzter
  • Jaymz
  • Maikol
  • Kayd
  • Kaylub
  • Wryk (This made me laugh out loud; I assume it’s supposed to be Rick?)

Weird word names:

  • Chorus
  • Chyme
  • Covenant
  • Fifth
  • Gospel
  • Helix
  • Infinity
  • Rythm
  • Smokey

Trying too hard to be cool:

  • Crypton
  • Diekyn
  • Jayvelin
  • Majok
  • Mayzler
  • Tezrik
  • Trexton

XX-tra Power!

  • Braxxton
  • Dexxon
  • Knoxx
  • Maxxton
  • Nixxon

Hyphen party:

  • Buck-Lee, Bri-Lee
  • Catson-Ace
  • Dublin-Maitland
  • Jacob-Boldt
  • Kayden-Kevin, Kendrick-Kingsly
  • Thorin-Xavier
  • Win-Jayden

The punchy monosyllabic names are taking over!

  • Aks & Oaks
  • Ekz & Chekk
  • Kix & Drykk
  • Banx, Bronx, Brux
  • Crew, Krew, Krue
  • Top, Marx
  • Dodge, Ram
  • Klinch, Krush
  • Pax, Daxx, Staxx
  • and Farnz.

Names I just don’t know what do do with:

  • Artchiellus
  • Coeshyn
  • Gerrikdeyne
  • IssHawk
  • Jhazzter
  • Juhsious
  • Liborius
  • Melkidivine
  • Rynezane
  • Zaineddine, Zaynedeen

Just Plain Bad

  • Bauzley
  • Pously
  • Raxit
  • Ruzzel

We’ve got a breakaway this year for worst boy name: Notorious-Link! Better get some sweet grillz as soon as his baby teeth poke through and put spinners on his stroller wheels. Anyways, no epilogue this year. I’m not pregnant again─ nothing to announce. Thanks for reading, guys! Peace out!

Disclaimer: As always, this is just for fun and not meant to hurt feelings. What do I know? When it came to naming my own son, I opened a Bible to page two and said, “meh, good enough.” Actually it’s kind of cool─ there were 111 boys named Adam in 2016 and mine was born in December. It would be fun if he was the 111st!



Hey guys. I'm just some girl who enjoys life and thinks a lot. I'm a full-time wife & mom who loves gardens, coffee dates and cats, particularly my cat.